How Al REALLY feels

August 15, 2006 · Posted in Lymphoma, Ramblings

Ok… so that pretty much explains it all… he TRIES to be all “calm, cool, and collected” but the reality is, he’s scared, sick, and angry.

Not necessarily in THAT order, but he’s definitely thinking all three of those things at one time or another. And looking at him this evening, at dinner, I’m thinking he’s all three of those at the SAME time today.

I hadn’t really noticed that he was getting that “I’m on chemo, and can’t produce any skin color” look, until I saw the “before and after” videos that he put on the web today. There’s a definite “gray-ness” to him now. He really has been putting forth a monumental effort to make me think he feels better than he really does, but tonight, I think he finally realized that using all his energy to try to pretend that he’s NOT sick, is taking away too much energy from just getting by. I think that right now, he’s got just enough energy to breath, go to the bathroom a couple of times a day, and maybe feed himself. He’s just SO worn out!

And he says it like it’s been unexpected. It’s almost irritating. I know he’s got this “macho” image of himself, that he doesn’t “give in” to illness, but holy cow. This isn’t just your average cold… this is the effects of pumping what amounts to poisons into his blood stream for several hours a couple times a month, and they TOLD us he was going to feel like a wet sock… I just don’t think he believed them.

I love the man, but sometimes, I don’t think he pays real good attention. Or is it just that he has “man ears” when it comes to information. If it’s bad news, he only hears the parts that aren’t so bad, and the rest is just a buzz? Honestly, I’m quite surprised he’s made it as well as he HAS! He really has been a trooper, and I know that every cell in his body is screaming “GIVE UP! GIVE IN!” but he’s fighting it every step of the way, which just makes me so happy. I can’t imagine life without that big goof ball in it. I know I complain sometimes, but wow… I just can’t imagine having to say good bye.

And that’s the beauty of this whole thing. HE can’t imagine life without ME in it either, so he’s fighting to keep going. Before he had Andy, and Ben, and me in his life, I think he might have just rolled over, and let it happen. I don’t mean that to sound arrogant, but it’s true. He’s said it over and over. His friends have told me that, and, well… from everything I know about the man, I’m sure it’s why we met. To get him through this time.

Speaking of which… it was 7 years ago today that he and I spent 13 hours together, talking, and talking, and talking to each other. It felt like 13 minutes, and we spent the whole day together. It was the first time in Ben’s life that I didn’t think about HIM in more than 15 minutes. ‘Twas very traumatic for HIM, but what a wonderful day for Al and I.

Posted by Julie