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August 25, 2006 · Posted in Lymphoma, Rantings 

Friday morning and I’m feeling better for now. I got good nights sleep and I think I will make it today.

Thursday I did not feel so well. I was up at 6 am for work but by 9 am I was cranky, nauseated, and tired. So I had Jules call in sick for me. I was in bed and couldn’t wake up. I napped till 3:30 pm then went back to clinic for a shot of growth hormone to make my bone marrow produce more white cells. Doctor said my white blood cell count wont go so low that way and my risk of catching any infection will be lower.

So, chemotherapy cycle #2 is in my body. The personal problem I have? Right now I’m steaming mad about this! This is first time I have gotten angry. My little boy inside keeps saying, “I hate this! Make it go away! I don’t want to do this anymore!” Then the grown up inside says, “Why me?” This is crazy! I know the outcome of the alternative.  I know I need to pursue the treatment.

I went to church last night and again The Lord saw fit to aim the hymns and sermon right at me. I know The Lord works for everyone but He knows my needs!) This happens every time I go to church. I’ve been a Lutheran all my life but now I’m finally “getting it” slowly. The opening hymn “Be strong in the Lord” made me cry. I would post the lyrics here but can’t find them. It deeply affected me.

I’m not good at prayer but hear goes. Lord have mercy on me. You are the physician! You are the light! You know the plan for me. My suffering in no way compares to Your suffering on The Cross. You did that to forgive ALL our sins. Please give me the strength to endure this ordeal and help me see it through till the end. Please help all others who are suffering this disease or any other medical problem. I lay this in your hand Lord

In Jesus name
Amen

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