Yawn!
Yippee! I spent all night updating this blog and another to WP 2.3.  
 So there are lots of new items and a new Theme and some new plugins. Please bear with me as I get them all to work.
 Now If I can just get Headspace to work we will be cruisin! As you can see Ive got some smilies working too. Hopefully the wife wont 
 my head off! 
I need your opinion
Option 1
Option 2
(UPDATE!)
The winner is OPTION 2
Whew!
Man I’m tired! I should not have stayed up til 4:30 in the am working on this blog! I have to admit though it is comeing along nicely though.
 The wife says I need to come out to the living room now and watch some TV. Did you catch that? The wife says I need to watch TV? Huh??
Ok I’m done now. After 60 calls in a day, don’t call me ok?
I will be posting more movie reviews later.
Yikes!
Wow! This is kind of harsh! Do not play if you dont like the language!
Im Back!
Well Folks! I got my website up and running again. Yeah
I will be adding in more archives from last server but, it will take me some time. Check back soon!
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CRAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!
I am so mad right now I could chew nails and poop out shingles. I’m sick of being sick!!
I’m sick of the fact that I want a family that doesn’t yell at each other or at things. I am sick of the fact that I need to get away from this for a while and I cant escape. I have a 17 yr old who thinks he can just tell ME what to do! I have a wife who is going through some problems right now and I’m not well enough to do anything about it. Hell I’m part of the cause.
How do I say this without hurting anyone’s feelings or causing a fight? IM NOT HAPPY!
I can’t believe I have caused this AGGGGGGAAAIIIINNN! In my life!
I can’t do my job right. It s the best job I have ever had. But I hate it. I hate customer service. I hate having to put on a smile and be nice. It is all a lie and I cant stand it.
The office is all fake and the principals are all fake. And I have to keep swallowing my pride and keep on trudging through it and keep going. It sucks!
Maybe I shouldn’t be here. I dont know. Just makes me sad
Ok I’m calmer now. I just needed to blow.
The situation with Ben sucks. Because I’m only a step dad and I didn’t have any influence on him until he was 10 yrs old, now I have to listen to him tell me what to do? Since when do I have to listen to a young pup tell me what to do. I dont let the 3 yr old do that. But I have to with Ben. How do I not be pissed at that?
How do I tell my fragile wife that I love her when I’m afraid to touch her and some days even afraid to say anything to her?
I need cuddling and closeness right now but the canyon between us is cracked open and growing wider.
I have to break a rule here and go to bed mad. I cant just “get over it”. I’m sick of it!
Anyone got any ideas how I can deal with this without hurting feelings, or making anyone mad, or making anyone worry?
I honestly dont what to do. I dont want to be one of those “It’s ok dear, It will be ok” guys when I know it wont.
I want to make some changes here but I dont want to deal with the consequences when or if I get the chance.
I lot of the things I stand for and ideas that I have about the way things should be are different than they are right now. And someone’s not going to be happy if I change anything. That is why I have not made some changes. And truthfully I WONT make them because I dont want to start a war.
I’ll just give in like always and just follow along. Man wghat a gutless soul I am.
i just want to give it all up …..
Here’s more
Friday morning and I’m feeling better for now. I got good nights sleep and I think I will make it today.
Thursday I did not feel so well. I was up at 6 am for work but by 9 am I was cranky, nauseated, and tired. So I had Jules call in sick for me. I was in bed and couldn’t wake up. I napped till 3:30 pm then went back to clinic for a shot of growth hormone to make my bone marrow produce more white cells. Doctor said my white blood cell count wont go so low that way and my risk of catching any infection will be lower.
So, chemotherapy cycle #2 is in my body. The personal problem I have? Right now I’m steaming mad about this! This is first time I have gotten angry. My little boy inside keeps saying, “I hate this! Make it go away! I don’t want to do this anymore!†Then the grown up inside says, “Why me?†This is crazy! I know the outcome of the alternative. I know I need to pursue the treatment.
I went to church last night and again The Lord saw fit to aim the hymns and sermon right at me. I know The Lord works for everyone but He knows my needs!) This happens every time I go to church. I’ve been a Lutheran all my life but now I’m finally “getting it†slowly. The opening hymn “Be strong in the Lord†made me cry. I would post the lyrics here but can’t find them. It deeply affected me.
I’m not good at prayer but hear goes. Lord have mercy on me. You are the physician! You are the light! You know the plan for me. My suffering in no way compares to Your suffering on The Cross. You did that to forgive ALL our sins. Please give me the strength to endure this ordeal and help me see it through till the end. Please help all others who are suffering this disease or any other medical problem. I lay this in your hand Lord
In Jesus name
Amen
Look at this!
Don’t I look like “Uncle Fester†in this picture? Pretty goofy looking eh?
Tuesday afternoon sitting at my work desk and thinking- boy what I would rather be doing now-I immediately think an airplane ride would be fun. I’m taking The Bug for his first ride at the balloon rally this weekend.
I felt really good yesterday but did not sleep well last night and today I’m tired again. I’m getting tired of all the poking I have to get for all theses blood tests. I had a quart drawn today and will have 2 more in am.
Yep, you guessed it! I get my 2nd cycle of chemo tomorrow. I’m not thrilled to go. At best, it will be 4-6 hours of pure boredom. That’s if everything goes right. Last time I had bad reaction to Rituxan( Rituximab). It made me shake and cramp up bad.
I just got off the phone with my clinical trial nurse and she said my records show white blood cell count went rear low into 700’s and all my reactions were mild. What a wimp I am! Kind of makes me mad! I have never done this before and my reactions were mild??? Dang!
I better stop now and think about airplanes again for a while. I’ll update later.
Click the picture above to see more pics or here to see the video!
Warning! Large download!
Why Me?
Its official. Its “hair fallout†day.
And I still feel yucky but am coping. It appears that I’m running 2 or 3 days behind the “schedule†that oncology nurse gave me. I should have been losing hair last Sunday but it didn’t start till today.
I feel like such an @$$. My wife can see right through me. (See previous post). I really am scared about how this is affecting my body and I’m impatient about lump going away. I looked at before and after on the video and it skeeved me out. I really don’t look good either. Last night after supper I felt just sapped of energy.
How does a grown man or woman deal with this? I’m working today but I really just want to curl up and whine and moan. Is this going to get any worse??
My wife is having hard time with the hair loss thing. I think she is worried about looking at my lumpy head. How can I make her feel better about this? I’m doing my best not to get totally upset about theses things. Yes, I do hide or try not to show how I’m really feeling. It helps me deal with it better.
Now how do I get the 17 yr old to calm down and discuss his feelings about this, life, school, job etc with me? I know he is upset, but all we do is scream at each other. My fault too because I have little patience right now.
Why does he feel the need to correct me if I don’t say something right or if I misspell something? Or if in a heated yelling match if I don’t quote something verbatim. Why does he or anyone else for that matter have to do that?
Who is the adult/parent here?
Help??????
Lumpy’s update
Man Im so tired. This post is from the hospital! I’m admitted because the lump on my neck became swollen and very painfull yesterday.
Today I went through some tests. A PET scan and a needle biopsy to see what is wrong. Doc put me on anti-biotics and then I got a fever! I didnt get much sleep last night as swollen neck, fever, and migraine kept me awake.
I feel better today after done with tests and get to eat some supper.
Acording to the Oncologist that i saw today, we may have to go under the knife to get better tissue sample of the “mass”. That probabbly wont happen till monday or tuesday. I dont think they will let me go home tommorrw unless sweeling goes down and fever goes away.
I love you all and please keep me in your prayers.
Al
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